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WORKS' OUTINGS

The 1995 Beano in Beussent, France

THE CONTENTS OF THIS PAGE

• Reading Task: Rhyming Verse

• Exercise 1: Comprehension

• Exercise 2: Composition

 THE 1995 BEANO IN BEUSSENT, FRANCE

(for advanced students)

FROM RAMSGATE TO DOVER

Never volunteer!
Jim can be so unkind;
Volunteer, then get left behind.
A pair of teachers on Beano Day
Learnt this lesson the hard way.
To make matters worse,
Jim's car was a curse.
Ride in it if you dare,
'Cos the passenger seat's a rocking chair,
Ready to eject the unwary dolt
Sitting on the seat that's short of a bolt.
Brandishing his own passport this time
Rex fortunately had no need of mine.

FROM DOVER TO CALAIS (Missing Mike)

Mike's good turn, turned out a disaster,
When we all crossed The Channel faster!
"We won't wait for 'im!"  muttered determined Jim, 
Whilst others chuckled, expressing pity for "him".
The poor sod chased us full of hope,
Across The Drink, then to Cite Europe!
Where he bought his booze in five minutes flat,
To be laid in suitcases like rows of dead rats.

FROM CALAIS TO THE FRENCH HOTEL
An obnoxious  f - - t  was the smelly start
To our journey to Montreuil;
Air vents were grasped as all staff gasped,
Mentally cursing the guilty cur!
 
After an interesting stop at Cite L'Europe
To stock up with duty-frees,
We spent the rest of the day at Hotel Lignier,
Where some ended up on their knees!
 
Speaking excellent French, Dave instructed the wench
As to what to serve and where.
As the day progressed we did our best
To consume their varied fare.
 
Cowering with fear, when wasps flew near,
David was a quivering wreck.
I let out a chuckle, hit one with my knuckle
Then it stung me on the neck!
 
The maître d'hôtel amused us for a spell
With giant skittles made of wood.
Since which to my alarm, I've had a gammy arm
'Cos I lobbed as hard as I could.
 
Cold water was poured on a couple who pawed
Each other on the grass.
As they slunk dolefully away, elsewhere to play
Roy's protestations made Rex laugh.
 
Some over-indulged! Stomachs bulged!
Eyes glazed, losing their shine;
Then a steady flow of vomit, at the speed of a comet,
Rivalled the river of wine.
 
Bilious faces;  piles of sick in places;
The French tolerated all.
'Twas unnerving how they continued serving
Undeterred by British gall.
 
Rebecca was just one, who missed the fun.
Rescued by Saint Anne in the loo.
Next in shining armour, not wishing to harm her,
Sir Simon revived her too.
 
He was walking with her and talking to her;
She was gradually coming round.
Despite his resilience, she lost her balance,  
Knocking him to the ground.
 
Reflected in his eyes was agonised surprise;
Impaled as he was on a rose.
Whilst he was helped, he involuntarily yelped
'Cos of thorns penetrating his clothes.
 
Once more upright, he was a sorry sight!
A veritable inverted hedgehog!
Julie examined his skin and the wounds therein,
Extracting thorns (like splinters from a log).      
 
The village was rocked with explosions that shocked
Us suddenly to the core!
Later, cooing with love at the hotel's doves,
Simon squatted on their cage floor.          
 
Smothered in 'les herbes', the food was 'superbe',
And everyone ate their fill;
More to the point, as we left the joint,
Rex kindly picked up the bill.
 
FROM THE HOTEL TO CALAIS
Chafing at the bit, the driver commanded "Sit!"
But merry travellers kept standing in succession.
Roy's outlasting claims were shot down in flames
By Brenda's disbelieving expression.
 
Whilst Rebecca sat stewing, intermittently spewing,
Her aim somewhat hit and miss,
The Johns unwound, no longer bound, by the
Confines of their office.
 
FROM CALAIS TO DOVER ON THE BOAT
Messages were given out; people began to shout,
"W-h-e-r-e's   E-i-l-e-e-n?"
"Is she alive?  'Cos she didn't arrive
At Reception to say where she'd been!"
 
Sainte Anne was a hit when she went to sit
With a stag party, perched nearby.
She opened her bags 'n gave out all her fags;
Heaven only knows why!
 
THE FINAL JOURNEY FROM DOVER TO RAMSGATE
Peering at us, after boarding our bus,
Immigration fought shy of our mob;
The macho contingency, chanting loudly off-key,
Deterred him from doing his job!
 
As some were leaving at Dover, the driver pulled over
To enable them to alight.
The minutes ticked slowly by, causing Roy to fly
Into a fury at his delayed plight.
 
After cuddling on the coach without reproach,
Tony announced he had something to add;
Sam squirmed, as he loudly confirmed  
That he fancied her like mad.
 
FOOTNOTE
It just leaves me to say, it was an hilarious day
With everyone changing places;
But if a certain pair knew they chose Becky's old pew,
They'd certainly have red faces!
 
Allan, for fear his shoes would disappear
Decided not to come.
He wasn't alone, for reasons unknown;
We missed 'em all, but weren't too glum!
 
 <>()<>
 
Bibi Boarder - 27.8.95.

Exercise 1: Comprehension

NOTE:  The answers to the following questions can be found in the poem.

Exercise 3 - Composition

INSTRUCTIONS: Create your own Beano by using the following:

• incidents from the above poem and/or the following memory prompts. (The poem gives some of the answers to the following memory prompts;  however, you can use your imagination to create answers to the other prompts.)

• your own creative ideas, or description of a work's outing

Dedicated either to the poor sods who cannot remember and to those who would rather forget

• Who infuriated Janet?

• Who travelled to Dover at breakneck speed in a rocking chair?

• Who was punished for doing a good deed for Stephen Yates?

• Which teacher had to pay for his trip to France ?

• Who chased his passport, two suitcases & marmite sandwiches across the channel?

• Who sat on the marmite sandwiches as they lay forlornly awaiting their master?

• Who bought the most booze at Cite d'Europe?

• Who changed the rules of netball to include nudging, shoving & moving the goal post at crucial moments?

• Who grabbed Melody by the quavers?

• Who triumphed at netball?

• Who requested water and ended up with a soggy shirt?

•  Who ate impersonated Nigel at the restaurant?

• Who was the phantom glass tapper and speech announcer?

• Who was castigated by Jenni and at whose request?

• Who gave a speech, thanking Gill for "being accommodating" & Jenni for "leaving"?

• Who held his tongue on this trip instead of hurling insults?

• Who got the jitters between 7pm and 7.15 English time?

• Who sang over the mic?

• Who thought they were singing over the mic?  Who was most irritated by the racket?

• Who danced precariously in the aisle as the coach made its way to Calais ?

• Whose front teeth did Fran try to rearrange?

• Who tipped red wine in Bibi's lap?

• Who smoked on the coach to the annoyance of the driver?

• Who attempted to catch the smoking culprits, but failed miserably?

• Whose bladder dominated a large part of the journey to Calais ?

• Name three males who enjoyed Jenni's attention.

• Who urinated against the wall at Calais and under whose close inspection?

• Who conjured up a hilarious graphic picture of a certain pedagog's love life?

• Who argued loudly about the European Community and the beleaguered sterling currency?

• Whose box collapsed, smashing four bottles of his duty paid into a sloshy mess of endless little shards on the pavement?  

• Who left his car at Dover overnight to be picked up on Sunday?

• Who financed this exercise in team-building, staff relations and over-indulging?

Dedicated to my teaching colleagues in Ramsgate

My gratitude for the inspiration

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