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CONTRIBUTED
BY TREVOR DYKE |
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THE
CONTENTS OF THIS PAGE
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MATCH OF THE
DAY
by Trevor
Dykes
Contributed
: March 2004 |
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I don’t think I’ve
mentioned my illustrious football career. To those who don’t know
me personally, it may come as a surprise to hear I had one. It would
be completely incredible to my acquaintances, but people are full of
surprises.
My last match was FA Cup
Final Day in 1997. Admittedly, it wasn’t that game itself, but it
took place on the same day. Rather than in the fevered, tense
cauldron of a packed Wembley Stadium, we played before slightly less
enthusiastic spectators in the village of Penzendorf. The pitch
there is rather like the one at Wembley, now the stadium has been
demolished. A kindly description would be end-of-season. There
was some greenery, but this was mostly provided by the dandelions emerging
heroically through the grit, stones and bits of broken brick.
I was to be the purring
motor of the FC Gaulnhofen Kindergarten Fathers attack, and we struggled
manfully with our counterpapas from Worzeldorf. The match had been
their idea. When she’d heard about a game against the Worzeldorf
Kindergarten team, my wife had put my name down immediately. When
informed, I expected some relaxing recreation. However, upon turning
up and discovering that we were up against the fathers rather than the
kids, my flabber was gasted.
As we kitted up in the
salubrious surroundings of a tractor shed, the spirits of my team mates
soared. I happened to make known my professional football experience
in England, albeit mostly in the old Third and Fourth Divisions.
With an ex-profi on board, Worzeldorf Fathers were surely in for a
thrashing. However, team morale became more modest when I mentioned
this experience consisted of having watched Bournemouth at about forty
league grounds, (plus other stadia such as Weymouth, Dorchester and Yeovil
– These three were all subsequently demolished. I hope this was
coincidence.)
We entered the arena and
heard the mighty roar of the Worzeldorf wives and children. Most of
our families had found pressing engagements elsewhere. Knowing that
football’s partly played in the mind, I concentrated on trying to look
full of fitness and calm confidence. I jogged casually as I puffed
on my fag, and hoped to gain that crucial, psychological advantage
over the opposition. This ploy wasn’t overly successful, though
there was nothing wrong with my jogging. Unfortunately, what with
all their stretching, cart-wheeling, pyramid-building acrobatics and
weightlifting exercises, the opposition failed to notice. I took up
my position as right-wing wizard. The referee blew his metaphorical
whistle, (he actually mumbled something about starting), and it was match
on. Displaying impressive pace, I finished my cigarette at a sprint
and jogged casually on the attack.
My advance spread
confusion among the defenders. This was because Worzeldorf had the
ball, and were besieging our penalty area. The left-back was kind
enough to point this out, so I jogged casually back to help out.
However, by the time I’d arrived, the lines had been cleared. And
so had the ball. We were besieging their penalty area, my colleagues
were wondering where the right-wing wizard was. (I was asking the
goalkeeper for a light, and my legs were beginning to ache.)
After about fifteen
minutes or so, I managed to synchronize my actions more appropriately.
This was in part thanks to the generous substitution allowance.
Players could come and go as and when, as long as there weren’t too many
more than eleven on the field at any time. The replacement left-back
was a short, chubby, bespectacled, one-legged gentleman, which did wonders
for my confidence. I resolved to dazzle him with my skills.
After a while, the ball happened to be deflected in our direction. I
outpaced the thoroughly static defender, won it and homed in towards goal.
Scenting an opportunity, I resolved to get in a shot before any bigger,
bipedal defenders arrived. As with a trigger, I cocked my leg in
readiness… (I withdraw that phrase.) I struck the ball as
powerfully as I could towards the net and fell over in a heap. The
keeper was completely helpless. He was laughing too much. The
trajectory wasn’t quite as intended. The ball jogged casually
along the edge of the penalty area. Luckily, one of my team mates
reached it first and belted it in the goal past the still hysterical
keeper. We were in the lead, and I was congratulated on a brilliant
pass, whilst lying semi-conscious from exhaustion on the ground.
The drawback of the
generous substitution allowance was that there were only eleven of us to
begin with. I was much relieved when several latelings turned
up, and I was able to drag myself out of the fray. Although depleted
by the absence of their clapped out purring motor, the attack made light
of things by scoring again in the second half, and the defence held firm.
I wasn’t in a fit state to tackle the arithmetic myself, but I was
reliably informed this meant we won 2-0.
The
strongest impressions of my final match were provided by my legs. In
the days following the occasion, they resolved to protest against the
unreasonably heavy workload imposed upon them. My legs elected to
work to rule, and many other body parts expressed their solidarity.
It was both agonizing and effective. Following negotiations between
limbs and brain, the management agreed to hang up the training shoes for
good, excepting for the occasional, pre-agreed kickabout in the
park.
<>()<>
Trevor
wrote: Hi
Bibi, whilst looking for potential outlets for humorous stories and
articles, I stumbled across your Musical English site. Seeing as you
ask for contributions, I thought I'd send one in. It's 900 words on
my football career in Germany.
Bibi's
Comment: Trevor's humourous account has a 'tongue in cheek' style
and is well-written. It is rich in vocabulary. Non-native
speakers at intermediate level will find it difficult to understand.
Advanced students will enjoy the humour.
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Vocabulary
Notes:
Pedagogic suggestions for intermediate students
- Discuss favourite football games
- Discuss & compare football teams
- Vocabulary Quiz
Pedagogic suggestions for advanced students
- Convert Trevor's humorous account into a serious one
(eg: In the first sentence 'illustrious' can be replaced by 'dismal'.)
- Jigsaw Reading & Comprehension
- Divide students into 2 groups
- Divide the text into 2.
- Give the first half to group A
- Give the 2nd half to group B
- Instruct students to read their text, then work
as a group to form comprehension questions.
- Next, regroup the students into pairs A & B
- Instruct each pair to swap texts
- Finally, instruct them to read their partner's
text and to answer the questions which have been prepared.
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MONOTREMES & ECHIDNAS
by Trevor
Dykes
Contributed
: May 2004 |
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Monotremes, egg-laying mammals
Virtually all mammals reproduce by giving birth to live young. However,
there are a few which lay eggs. These are the monotremes. The most famous
is the Australian duckbilled platypus, but there are also two types of
echidna. The short-beaked echidna lives in Australia and New Guinea. Its
larger, long-beaked relative is now known only from New Guinea, though
fossil remains have been found in Australia. As with all mammals,
monotreme mothers feed their babies with milk.
As well as laying eggs, these animals share further characteristics in
common with each other, but which are different to all other living
mammals. For example, the upper bone of the front leg sticks out sideways
from the body, and even the inside of the ear is unusually built. Such
details show that monotremes form a natural group of closely related
creatures.
Discovery
One of the first Europeans to see an echidna was Captain
Bligh. Following the famous Mutiny on the Bounty, this British naval
officer was forced to leave the ship in a small boat and a big hurry. He
came ashore in Australia with a few companions in 1789, when little was
known of the land. While looking around, the party saw what appeared to be
a large hedgehog, roughly the size of a football. When it felt threatened,
it rolled itself up like a hedgehog too. Bligh could see this animal was
odd, and so he made the first known drawing of an echidna. He also
realized something else interesting. Rolling up into a ball is a very bad
way of protecting yourself from hungry humans. Having finished his sketch,
Bligh discovered that baked echidna is very tasty.
Soon, dead specimens of monotremes were sent to London for study. As
scientists had never seen mammals anything like these before, they found
it hard to understand them. A platypus is vaguely like an otter with a
beak. This led to the suggestion that someone was playing a joke, and had
made the specimen from parts of different animals. However, it was found
to be real. In a platypus, the beak's supported on long jaw bones, and
nothing like that is found in any birds. It's probably just as well that
scientists didn't know about the egg-laying habit until the 1880s. Things
must've seemed quite strange enough already
Echidnas
At first glance, the echidna seemed a bit more familiar. As well as
being hedgehoggy, it also looks something like a small anteater. The feet
have claws for digging out nests, and the mouth contains a long, sticky
tongue and no teeth. Not much was then known about those animals either.
Perhaps that's why it was first described as a new species of anteater.
However, it was soon clear that any similarities have everything to do
with feeding habits, rather than with any close relationship.
As with most marsupials, female echidnas have pouches for the young (and
the eggs). Again, this has nothing to do with a close relationship. How
Mrs Echidna gets the eggs into her pouch is a mystery.
Platypus
If we forget about the beak, a platypus looks quite like a small, dark
otter. It's got a streamlined body, webbed feet and waterproof fur. This
is because both animals live in river banks, find their food in the water
and need to be good swimmers. Look more closely and they're very
different. Otters have lots of sharp teeth for catching and chewing fish.
An adult platypus has hardly any teeth, and the ones it's got are
difficult to recognize. They're low and wide and form crushing surfaces.
The platypus eats shelled animals rather than fish, and doesn't have to do
much chewing.
There are plenty more platypus peculiarities. When underwater, they use a
kind of natural radar system to find their way around. For unclear
reasons, the adult males produce poison. There's a special bit of bone on
the back of the foot. The venom doesn't help with hunting, and so it may
have something to do with defence. The difficulty is in knowing which
natural enemy it might have reason to kick. A further possibility is that
the poison might have some strange connection with breeding.
Threats
The biggest threat facing all monotremes is loss of habitat. As it's
dependant upon a watery environment, living space for the platypus is more
restricted. In Australia, echidnas are found in a wide variety of places;
deserts, forests and on mountains up to 1,800 metres high. The long-beaked
echidna of New Guinea is the most threatened. Habitat protection will
hopefully ensure the survival of these weird mammals. |
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FACT FILE
Monotremes
- Origins: The oldest known fossils are about 120 million years old.
- Range: Australia and New Guinea. However, a few 60 million year old
teeth are known from Argentina. These are more like the platypus than
echidnas, (which are completely toothless).
Duckbilled platypus
- Scientific name: Ornithorhynchus
- Range: Freshwater habitats of eastern Australia and Tasmania.
- Length and weight: About 50cm and up to 2 kilos, but females are
smaller.
- Diet: Shelled water creatures, insects and larvae.
- Population: Common and protected.
Short-beaked echidna
- Scientific name: Tachyglossus
- Range: Australia and New Guinea, (both Papua New Guinea and
Indonesia).
- Length and weight: About 45cm and 4.5 kilos.
- Diet: Ants, termites, bugs and worms.
- Population: Sparse but widespread.
Long-beaked echidna
- Scientific name: Zaglossus
Range: New Guinea, (both Papua New Guinea and Indonesia).
- Length and weight: About 60cm and 8 kilos, though larger sizes have
been reported.
- Diet: Mainly worms, though insects may also be eaten.
Population: Rare and endangered
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Subjects for discussion or composition
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Conservation & endangered species
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Australia's unique wildlife
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Scientific observation of wildlife
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